About Counseling

So for the past two weeks, I have gone to counseling with Vito, trying to see if we can fix this marriage or if it is beyond repair.  One thing I know for sure is we both love one another or we wouldn't be here together after so many trials and tribulations together.  Another thing I know for sure is that we are affected by what happens to us during childhood.  We can think we are immune and that just accepting and moving on, that it does not matter, but I can speak from personal experience, it affects us more than we know.

For most of my life I have been repressing many memories from my childhood and teens, now I see that those memories, though I thought were no longer important and that I had moved beyond are still haunting me to this day and have shaped my entire existence.  Now at the age of 57, I am trying to piece my life back together and truly move beyond all of the muck that has been my life.  

I am not blaming anyone, but I feel sad and I realize that it has effected my eating patterns, the relationships that I have had with men, and my inability to set boundaries and just say NO to people, instead of being the endless people pleaser that sucks my energy dry.

I don't know how long I will be able to afford these counseling sessions, but one thing for sure, a good counselor is worth their weight in gold.  I hope a year from now, I will finally be able to peacefully bury some of these old skeletons that haunt me.  Hopefully I will either have a good marriage, or either we will have moved on to different paths separately, but one thing is certain, we should both be in better mental condition and better people for it.

Counseling is a good thing.

Tug of War

My life has taken me into a state of a whirlwind of sorts.  As always interesting and would make for good subject matter for a novel, but I am not amused by all the events in my life.  Honestly, I would like to live peacefully and without controversy.  Never seems to be that way for me however.  Throughout my life there seems to be a constant flow or ridiculously uncommon and dramatic events flowing around me.  I feel sometimes like there really is a God and I am one of his favorite toys to play with.  "Let's see how she will handle this situation!"

OK, I am not so naive to think that I am the only person in the world who has a bizarre life and constant trials.  I know we all have our own battles to fight and must all make our own peace.  What I do find troubling though is when I think I am getting to a good space, there is always something that happens that just throws a wrench into the middle of it all.

I find myself in the middle of an emotional situation between two men that I care a great deal about.... actually I love them both.

One is the person I call my husband of 15 years.  This has been a tumultuous  relationship and one where I haven't felt understood, respected and even loved for 15 years.  Oh I know in my heart that my husband loves me, but he doesn't love himself and is very guarded and as a result, he has had a real problem with intimacy and certainly I feel he doesn't know who I really am.  I accepted this, for what reason, I don't know.  In some ways, just too tired of fighting and wanting more than anything to settle in and grow old with someone.  He is loyal, this I know and so I have been as well, at least I have until recently, and I certainly did not intend to hurt him or be disloyal.  Things happen.  I am a flawed person and he is also flawed.  There was a common ground between us, not a very healthy one however.  I also know deep down that he has a good heart and that he would be true to me, which was always important after other relationships I have had.

The second person I am find myself involved with is someone from my past.  I mentioned previously that it is someone from 42 years ago that I was in love with a long time ago.  As a matter of fact it was my first love and the person that deflowered me so to speak.  Yes, he is the person I gave up my virginity to and way too early in life.  He also broke my heart, but I was too young in the first place and so was he in reality.  A series of tragedies took place after that and my life was never the same.  Ironically this person came back into my life as a friend, one that even asked my forgiveness and has been supportive of me and also has helped me to recall painful suppressed memories that I have shoved into the dark closet of my being.  One that I was scared to open, full of skeletons that have effected my entire life.  This closet needed to be opened and he certainly helped me open it without even realizing what he was doing.  He loves me and even though most of this relationship has been one of a virtual nature, it has been powerful none the less.

The real problem is I feel confused and must make a choice, yet I need time to think and without pressure from either.  This is not the situation as each knows about the other.  With that being said, there is a power play for me and I feel like a rope in the middle of a tug of war.  The real problem for me is that rope is worn and now only holding by a single fiber that is weakening and could snap any time.  I have expressed this but neither seems to pay this any attention and I am getting lost in the shuffle between two fighting bulls.  This is not what I can handle or need.  Can I really expect either to understand what I am feeling for the other?  No, not really, but on the other hand, that is what I need and I need space from both.

My husband of course is distrustful of me now.  This all happened innocently and was not intentional, but none the less he is distrustful, so I have no privacy and he has spied on me and hovers over me.  I understand where he is coming from and why, but I am feeling smothered.  I can't take much more of it.  I need my privacy as I have always been a private person.  Then my other love is feeling rejected and fighting as he is determined to gain my love.  He is pressuring me to leave and be with him.  The terrible thing is right at this moment, I don't know what the hell I want!  I love them both, in different ways.  I hurt to think of losing either, but I know I must.  I have cut off communications  with the one while dealing with my husband, who is in pain and I see this pain daily.  I know they are both in pain and I feel responsible.  Jesus, I did not go looking for this to happen nor do I want anyone to hurt, especially people that I love.  I do not want to be in pain either and I most certainly am in deep pain.

This tug of war is killing me.  I may just shuck it all and have no one.  I am not a possession, not an object to be played with.  Too bad neither really sees me for who I am.

Respect for privacy

We don't really have much in life that is free, everything seems to have a cost.  What we do have is our right to think and feel, to have the right to personal thoughts and feelings, a right to privacy.  We are in an age of communication and not much is private any more.

When I was a child, I had a diary.  I loved my diary and it had a key and I could lock it and keep everyone else out of my private writings.  They may have been childish, as I am sure the were, but they were my thoughts and feelings expressed at that time.  Today we have computers and information is exchanged at such a speed, my mind cannot fathom, but there are areas that should still be left as private.  Email accounts for one.  Email is still mail.  If someone opens your mail delivered by the US postal service, it is considered a federal offense.  Why?  We have a right to privacy.  Why is it not the same with our personal email.

I feel violated.  Recently my husband has spied on me and invaded my personal space.  Did he have valid reason for wanting to look and see?  The answer is yes.  However with that said, I felt bullied and he invaded my space without permission.  I would never do that under any circumstances.

My marriage is on the rocks and for this I am sorry.  But the main reason that it is on the rocks all boils down to a lack of respect for which I have not had for many years on numerous issues all chipping away at my natural feelings of love and mutual respect.  Now I have no privacy and being treated like a child to be watched over and every time I am on the computer, the phone or any other communication devise, I am being scrutinized, spied on and hovered around.  Am I free to be me or to express myself? No.

The argument stands that he has lost trust in me.   I understand that fully, but if you truly love someone, well I believe the old adage was, set it free and if it comes back it is yours.  I have not asked to be free from my marriage, although it is under great stress and has been far longer than he can imagine as despite that age of communication, he has never learned to communicate with me.  For 15 years together and I doubt he knows my favorite color.  He doesn't know me in actuality at all.  He has an image of who he wants to be, the mold he wants me to fit into for his life, but he has ignored me when I have expressed feelings or fears and instead of understanding and working with me through those fears, he only made me more fearful.  What I feel has never mattered.  Now he says he is ready to work and do whatever it takes.  Is this something I now can trust?  After 15 years of me begging him to understand me and what was important to me, give me respect and be a partner, not a master, now I am expecting him to do these things?  REALLY?  Maybe so, but how am I to trust this?  I am not allowed to have privacy.  I guess I am forced to do things in the way he wants, screw what I feel.

This relationship with this other gentleman is not the problem, it is only a symptom; the problem has been between us for a long time.

I am 57 years old and I am not respected.  If one is not respected, is there really love?  Just food for thought.

Life with too much stuff

People are never happy with what they are or what they have.  I know about this and know it is true, I see it every day in others and I see it in myself as well.  Is it just something built into us inherently that makes us strive for more or to be more?  I don't know.

I find myself at a time in life when I don't want more, but actually want less.  I look around and find so much clutter and too much stuff.  That of course is an American past time I think, collecting stuff.  Who in the hell needs it?  Not me apparently.  But what to do with it all?

When Mama moved from the house I grew up on and supposedly was going to downsize, we had a series of yard sales.  It was amazing at the amount of money that we made from her things.  When I first started cleaning out her attack, it was overwhelming and I was quite literally surprised that the ceilings had not caved in from all of the stuff.  I thought then, who on earth needs all of this, why, and how could this happen?  No way in the world had she even seen any of that stuff in years, but there it sat in the attack like some archive.  Her closets, cabinets and drawers were not much better either.

Anyway, she moved into a smaller house and my sister and I felt good that she had thinned out and downsized.  Well only about 4 years later she became very sick and I had to move her to New Jersey with me.  Low and behold, I felt like I was going through the same process and again, there was so much stuff I didn't know what to do with it all.  We were on very limited time, so I got rid of a lot, but the rest I just packed up and moved to New Jersey and there I put it in my basement.

Mom passed away two years ago and where is all of that stuff?  Still in my basement.  The real problem is not only is it a ton of her stuff I now have to go through, and it sort of feels like an invasion of her life now.  It is disturbing and uncomfortable to go through these things.  It's uncomfortable and sad getting rid of her things now that she is gone.  What is that all about?  It is kind of like I am giving pieces of her away.  I know that is ridiculous, never the less that is how it feels.

Besides all of Mom's things that I am trying to go through, I am trying to go through my own things.  Good God, did I inherit that same tendency to collect everything and stuff it in closets, basements, and sheds?  I think I did.  The very thing that drives me crazy!  And to top it off there is a ton of stuff that Vito has and has collected.  With that said, this little house in which I reside has STUFF from three households in it and I am overwhelmed.  That's right, it seems to have all come crashing on my shoulders to handle.  I just want it all gone, yet have a problem parting with some of it.  This I wonder about too as we certainly don't take it with us when we die and leave our earthly realm.  I am sure if that were the case, Mama would have taken her stuff and I would be feeling grateful for that now.  Instead, it is up to me to deal with someone else's stuff as well as mine now.  No other animal on earth does this and it is insanity.

So I have come to the conclusion that I must thin out the clutter and get rid of the stuff.  Where did I hear that cluttered house makes for a cluttered mind.  Well let me just say that it is true!  And I also have to say that I would never want anyone going through my things and delving into my belongings, it gives too much personal information about the person and I don't want that.  Also I don't really have anyone to do that down the road probably unless it is strangers or friends.  Lord I would wish that on anyone.  It is necessary for me to do this now.  I must get rid of this stuff.

I suppose out of all this, this means that if you lighten your load literally, it will lighten your load mentally.  My brain feels bogged down and I need to lighten up a bit.

I was an ass!

This morning about 5:00 a.m., my telephone rang, so being my day off, I just ignored it, and of course Vito didn't move.  A few minutes later it rings again, then in another few minutes it rings again.  So I finally jump out of bed only making it to the phone by the time it stopped.  I did not recognize the number, but proceeded to call the number back.  In frustration and anger after being awaken that early on my only Saturday off in 3 weeks, I blurted out at the person, "What do you want?!"  He said, "What?"   I said, "You called me, what do you want?"  He said, "I assure you nobody here called you."  More aggravated than ever I hung up on the person.

After hanging up, I started to think that it sounded like my neighbor, who is a sweet person and I couldn't understand what happened.  I went back to bed and the phone proceeded to start ringing again.  1, 2, 3 times, so I got up, again ticked off and took the phone off the hook.  

Then my dog started to bark!!  God!!!!!!  I was fuming by now, so I made her stop and then I made my coffee.  As I am making the coffee she starts to bark again, and sure that she is going to wake the neighborhood, I really blew my top at her.  She accidently nicked my finger as she pretended to be aggressive, in reality scared, and boy that was the straw that broke the camels back.  So I yelled at her.

Poor dog, just wanted to bark.  And although I really wanted to sleep, in the grand scheme of it all, there was no reason to get so upset.  It was actually a beautiful morning and I was just over reacting.  How ridiculous!!

On the edge

I have been working on organizing all of my family photos, and as I have been going through them, it is a realization of how fast time is passing.

Only yesterday it seems that I was in high school, just waiting until I would become "the legal age" to do whatever in the world I wanted.  How stupid the youth is now looking through 53 year old eyes.  And I am sure that when I am 80, if I make it to that age, I will look back and think 53 was young.

As I see time seeming shorter by the day, more and more lines on my face, my body not looking or feeling like my body anymore, I am increasingly becoming dissatisfied with the mundane pattern of life and I want more.

When I say that I want more, it has nothing with wanting material things, only wanting more adventure, seeing things that I want to see, and living somewhere that I would really like to live and grow old.

I know there is more and I feel deserving.  I just have to figure out how, where, and what I want to do.

Life is really really short!!

Elizabeth Maria Monahan

I found out several days ago that my dearest and oldest friend, second mother, and confidant passed away at the age of 90.  Although I know that she was old, with many ailments, she was a gentle and courageous spirit with a marvelous lust for life and living, and a gracious person.  

I have not seen Betty in many years, yet every holiday I would receive a card from her with a note or letter inside.  As years passed, her daughter Barbara would write for her, as Betty lost her eyesight.  She never complained and loved the people around her more fully than anyone I have ever known.

When I was young, I would get on my bicycle every day and ride to her house, often spending the night.  I was troubled during some of those years, and I believe I may not be here today had it not been for Betty.  She understood me and my pain, she never minimized my feelings, only giving of herself which was shear pure love.  After spending time with her, I often was reduced to laughter after having been in tears to start with.  I know my mother never understood our relationship, and I believe actually was jealous.  She would never know me like Betty.

To many people, she was odd, maybe crazy.  Not to me, maybe eccentric, but wonderfully eccentric.  

I miss her.  Just knowing that she was alive and of sound mind always was a comfort to me.  I knew that there was someone that loved me with a pure heart.  

I feel lost without her in the world and in my opinion, the world has lost a priceless treasure.

Sleep with Angels Betty.  I hope there is an afterlife, as I will be looking for you.