We don't really have much in life that is free, everything seems to have a cost. What we do have is our right to think and feel, to have the right to personal thoughts and feelings, a right to privacy. We are in an age of communication and not much is private any more.
When I was a child, I had a diary. I loved my diary and it had a key and I could lock it and keep everyone else out of my private writings. They may have been childish, as I am sure the were, but they were my thoughts and feelings expressed at that time. Today we have computers and information is exchanged at such a speed, my mind cannot fathom, but there are areas that should still be left as private. Email accounts for one. Email is still mail. If someone opens your mail delivered by the US postal service, it is considered a federal offense. Why? We have a right to privacy. Why is it not the same with our personal email.
I feel violated. Recently my husband has spied on me and invaded my personal space. Did he have valid reason for wanting to look and see? The answer is yes. However with that said, I felt bullied and he invaded my space without permission. I would never do that under any circumstances.
My marriage is on the rocks and for this I am sorry. But the main reason that it is on the rocks all boils down to a lack of respect for which I have not had for many years on numerous issues all chipping away at my natural feelings of love and mutual respect. Now I have no privacy and being treated like a child to be watched over and every time I am on the computer, the phone or any other communication devise, I am being scrutinized, spied on and hovered around. Am I free to be me or to express myself? No.
The argument stands that he has lost trust in me. I understand that fully, but if you truly love someone, well I believe the old adage was, set it free and if it comes back it is yours. I have not asked to be free from my marriage, although it is under great stress and has been far longer than he can imagine as despite that age of communication, he has never learned to communicate with me. For 15 years together and I doubt he knows my favorite color. He doesn't know me in actuality at all. He has an image of who he wants to be, the mold he wants me to fit into for his life, but he has ignored me when I have expressed feelings or fears and instead of understanding and working with me through those fears, he only made me more fearful. What I feel has never mattered. Now he says he is ready to work and do whatever it takes. Is this something I now can trust? After 15 years of me begging him to understand me and what was important to me, give me respect and be a partner, not a master, now I am expecting him to do these things? REALLY? Maybe so, but how am I to trust this? I am not allowed to have privacy. I guess I am forced to do things in the way he wants, screw what I feel.
This relationship with this other gentleman is not the problem, it is only a symptom; the problem has been between us for a long time.
I am 57 years old and I am not respected. If one is not respected, is there really love? Just food for thought.
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