My life has taken me into a state of a whirlwind of sorts. As always interesting and would make for good subject matter for a novel, but I am not amused by all the events in my life. Honestly, I would like to live peacefully and without controversy. Never seems to be that way for me however. Throughout my life there seems to be a constant flow or ridiculously uncommon and dramatic events flowing around me. I feel sometimes like there really is a God and I am one of his favorite toys to play with. "Let's see how she will handle this situation!"
OK, I am not so naive to think that I am the only person in the world who has a bizarre life and constant trials. I know we all have our own battles to fight and must all make our own peace. What I do find troubling though is when I think I am getting to a good space, there is always something that happens that just throws a wrench into the middle of it all.
I find myself in the middle of an emotional situation between two men that I care a great deal about.... actually I love them both.
One is the person I call my husband of 15 years. This has been a tumultuous relationship and one where I haven't felt understood, respected and even loved for 15 years. Oh I know in my heart that my husband loves me, but he doesn't love himself and is very guarded and as a result, he has had a real problem with intimacy and certainly I feel he doesn't know who I really am. I accepted this, for what reason, I don't know. In some ways, just too tired of fighting and wanting more than anything to settle in and grow old with someone. He is loyal, this I know and so I have been as well, at least I have until recently, and I certainly did not intend to hurt him or be disloyal. Things happen. I am a flawed person and he is also flawed. There was a common ground between us, not a very healthy one however. I also know deep down that he has a good heart and that he would be true to me, which was always important after other relationships I have had.
The second person I am find myself involved with is someone from my past. I mentioned previously that it is someone from 42 years ago that I was in love with a long time ago. As a matter of fact it was my first love and the person that deflowered me so to speak. Yes, he is the person I gave up my virginity to and way too early in life. He also broke my heart, but I was too young in the first place and so was he in reality. A series of tragedies took place after that and my life was never the same. Ironically this person came back into my life as a friend, one that even asked my forgiveness and has been supportive of me and also has helped me to recall painful suppressed memories that I have shoved into the dark closet of my being. One that I was scared to open, full of skeletons that have effected my entire life. This closet needed to be opened and he certainly helped me open it without even realizing what he was doing. He loves me and even though most of this relationship has been one of a virtual nature, it has been powerful none the less.
The real problem is I feel confused and must make a choice, yet I need time to think and without pressure from either. This is not the situation as each knows about the other. With that being said, there is a power play for me and I feel like a rope in the middle of a tug of war. The real problem for me is that rope is worn and now only holding by a single fiber that is weakening and could snap any time. I have expressed this but neither seems to pay this any attention and I am getting lost in the shuffle between two fighting bulls. This is not what I can handle or need. Can I really expect either to understand what I am feeling for the other? No, not really, but on the other hand, that is what I need and I need space from both.
My husband of course is distrustful of me now. This all happened innocently and was not intentional, but none the less he is distrustful, so I have no privacy and he has spied on me and hovers over me. I understand where he is coming from and why, but I am feeling smothered. I can't take much more of it. I need my privacy as I have always been a private person. Then my other love is feeling rejected and fighting as he is determined to gain my love. He is pressuring me to leave and be with him. The terrible thing is right at this moment, I don't know what the hell I want! I love them both, in different ways. I hurt to think of losing either, but I know I must. I have cut off communications with the one while dealing with my husband, who is in pain and I see this pain daily. I know they are both in pain and I feel responsible. Jesus, I did not go looking for this to happen nor do I want anyone to hurt, especially people that I love. I do not want to be in pain either and I most certainly am in deep pain.
This tug of war is killing me. I may just shuck it all and have no one. I am not a possession, not an object to be played with. Too bad neither really sees me for who I am.
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