About Counseling

So for the past two weeks, I have gone to counseling with Vito, trying to see if we can fix this marriage or if it is beyond repair.  One thing I know for sure is we both love one another or we wouldn't be here together after so many trials and tribulations together.  Another thing I know for sure is that we are affected by what happens to us during childhood.  We can think we are immune and that just accepting and moving on, that it does not matter, but I can speak from personal experience, it affects us more than we know.

For most of my life I have been repressing many memories from my childhood and teens, now I see that those memories, though I thought were no longer important and that I had moved beyond are still haunting me to this day and have shaped my entire existence.  Now at the age of 57, I am trying to piece my life back together and truly move beyond all of the muck that has been my life.  

I am not blaming anyone, but I feel sad and I realize that it has effected my eating patterns, the relationships that I have had with men, and my inability to set boundaries and just say NO to people, instead of being the endless people pleaser that sucks my energy dry.

I don't know how long I will be able to afford these counseling sessions, but one thing for sure, a good counselor is worth their weight in gold.  I hope a year from now, I will finally be able to peacefully bury some of these old skeletons that haunt me.  Hopefully I will either have a good marriage, or either we will have moved on to different paths separately, but one thing is certain, we should both be in better mental condition and better people for it.

Counseling is a good thing.

Tug of War

My life has taken me into a state of a whirlwind of sorts.  As always interesting and would make for good subject matter for a novel, but I am not amused by all the events in my life.  Honestly, I would like to live peacefully and without controversy.  Never seems to be that way for me however.  Throughout my life there seems to be a constant flow or ridiculously uncommon and dramatic events flowing around me.  I feel sometimes like there really is a God and I am one of his favorite toys to play with.  "Let's see how she will handle this situation!"

OK, I am not so naive to think that I am the only person in the world who has a bizarre life and constant trials.  I know we all have our own battles to fight and must all make our own peace.  What I do find troubling though is when I think I am getting to a good space, there is always something that happens that just throws a wrench into the middle of it all.

I find myself in the middle of an emotional situation between two men that I care a great deal about.... actually I love them both.

One is the person I call my husband of 15 years.  This has been a tumultuous  relationship and one where I haven't felt understood, respected and even loved for 15 years.  Oh I know in my heart that my husband loves me, but he doesn't love himself and is very guarded and as a result, he has had a real problem with intimacy and certainly I feel he doesn't know who I really am.  I accepted this, for what reason, I don't know.  In some ways, just too tired of fighting and wanting more than anything to settle in and grow old with someone.  He is loyal, this I know and so I have been as well, at least I have until recently, and I certainly did not intend to hurt him or be disloyal.  Things happen.  I am a flawed person and he is also flawed.  There was a common ground between us, not a very healthy one however.  I also know deep down that he has a good heart and that he would be true to me, which was always important after other relationships I have had.

The second person I am find myself involved with is someone from my past.  I mentioned previously that it is someone from 42 years ago that I was in love with a long time ago.  As a matter of fact it was my first love and the person that deflowered me so to speak.  Yes, he is the person I gave up my virginity to and way too early in life.  He also broke my heart, but I was too young in the first place and so was he in reality.  A series of tragedies took place after that and my life was never the same.  Ironically this person came back into my life as a friend, one that even asked my forgiveness and has been supportive of me and also has helped me to recall painful suppressed memories that I have shoved into the dark closet of my being.  One that I was scared to open, full of skeletons that have effected my entire life.  This closet needed to be opened and he certainly helped me open it without even realizing what he was doing.  He loves me and even though most of this relationship has been one of a virtual nature, it has been powerful none the less.

The real problem is I feel confused and must make a choice, yet I need time to think and without pressure from either.  This is not the situation as each knows about the other.  With that being said, there is a power play for me and I feel like a rope in the middle of a tug of war.  The real problem for me is that rope is worn and now only holding by a single fiber that is weakening and could snap any time.  I have expressed this but neither seems to pay this any attention and I am getting lost in the shuffle between two fighting bulls.  This is not what I can handle or need.  Can I really expect either to understand what I am feeling for the other?  No, not really, but on the other hand, that is what I need and I need space from both.

My husband of course is distrustful of me now.  This all happened innocently and was not intentional, but none the less he is distrustful, so I have no privacy and he has spied on me and hovers over me.  I understand where he is coming from and why, but I am feeling smothered.  I can't take much more of it.  I need my privacy as I have always been a private person.  Then my other love is feeling rejected and fighting as he is determined to gain my love.  He is pressuring me to leave and be with him.  The terrible thing is right at this moment, I don't know what the hell I want!  I love them both, in different ways.  I hurt to think of losing either, but I know I must.  I have cut off communications  with the one while dealing with my husband, who is in pain and I see this pain daily.  I know they are both in pain and I feel responsible.  Jesus, I did not go looking for this to happen nor do I want anyone to hurt, especially people that I love.  I do not want to be in pain either and I most certainly am in deep pain.

This tug of war is killing me.  I may just shuck it all and have no one.  I am not a possession, not an object to be played with.  Too bad neither really sees me for who I am.

Respect for privacy

We don't really have much in life that is free, everything seems to have a cost.  What we do have is our right to think and feel, to have the right to personal thoughts and feelings, a right to privacy.  We are in an age of communication and not much is private any more.

When I was a child, I had a diary.  I loved my diary and it had a key and I could lock it and keep everyone else out of my private writings.  They may have been childish, as I am sure the were, but they were my thoughts and feelings expressed at that time.  Today we have computers and information is exchanged at such a speed, my mind cannot fathom, but there are areas that should still be left as private.  Email accounts for one.  Email is still mail.  If someone opens your mail delivered by the US postal service, it is considered a federal offense.  Why?  We have a right to privacy.  Why is it not the same with our personal email.

I feel violated.  Recently my husband has spied on me and invaded my personal space.  Did he have valid reason for wanting to look and see?  The answer is yes.  However with that said, I felt bullied and he invaded my space without permission.  I would never do that under any circumstances.

My marriage is on the rocks and for this I am sorry.  But the main reason that it is on the rocks all boils down to a lack of respect for which I have not had for many years on numerous issues all chipping away at my natural feelings of love and mutual respect.  Now I have no privacy and being treated like a child to be watched over and every time I am on the computer, the phone or any other communication devise, I am being scrutinized, spied on and hovered around.  Am I free to be me or to express myself? No.

The argument stands that he has lost trust in me.   I understand that fully, but if you truly love someone, well I believe the old adage was, set it free and if it comes back it is yours.  I have not asked to be free from my marriage, although it is under great stress and has been far longer than he can imagine as despite that age of communication, he has never learned to communicate with me.  For 15 years together and I doubt he knows my favorite color.  He doesn't know me in actuality at all.  He has an image of who he wants to be, the mold he wants me to fit into for his life, but he has ignored me when I have expressed feelings or fears and instead of understanding and working with me through those fears, he only made me more fearful.  What I feel has never mattered.  Now he says he is ready to work and do whatever it takes.  Is this something I now can trust?  After 15 years of me begging him to understand me and what was important to me, give me respect and be a partner, not a master, now I am expecting him to do these things?  REALLY?  Maybe so, but how am I to trust this?  I am not allowed to have privacy.  I guess I am forced to do things in the way he wants, screw what I feel.

This relationship with this other gentleman is not the problem, it is only a symptom; the problem has been between us for a long time.

I am 57 years old and I am not respected.  If one is not respected, is there really love?  Just food for thought.

Life with too much stuff

People are never happy with what they are or what they have.  I know about this and know it is true, I see it every day in others and I see it in myself as well.  Is it just something built into us inherently that makes us strive for more or to be more?  I don't know.

I find myself at a time in life when I don't want more, but actually want less.  I look around and find so much clutter and too much stuff.  That of course is an American past time I think, collecting stuff.  Who in the hell needs it?  Not me apparently.  But what to do with it all?

When Mama moved from the house I grew up on and supposedly was going to downsize, we had a series of yard sales.  It was amazing at the amount of money that we made from her things.  When I first started cleaning out her attack, it was overwhelming and I was quite literally surprised that the ceilings had not caved in from all of the stuff.  I thought then, who on earth needs all of this, why, and how could this happen?  No way in the world had she even seen any of that stuff in years, but there it sat in the attack like some archive.  Her closets, cabinets and drawers were not much better either.

Anyway, she moved into a smaller house and my sister and I felt good that she had thinned out and downsized.  Well only about 4 years later she became very sick and I had to move her to New Jersey with me.  Low and behold, I felt like I was going through the same process and again, there was so much stuff I didn't know what to do with it all.  We were on very limited time, so I got rid of a lot, but the rest I just packed up and moved to New Jersey and there I put it in my basement.

Mom passed away two years ago and where is all of that stuff?  Still in my basement.  The real problem is not only is it a ton of her stuff I now have to go through, and it sort of feels like an invasion of her life now.  It is disturbing and uncomfortable to go through these things.  It's uncomfortable and sad getting rid of her things now that she is gone.  What is that all about?  It is kind of like I am giving pieces of her away.  I know that is ridiculous, never the less that is how it feels.

Besides all of Mom's things that I am trying to go through, I am trying to go through my own things.  Good God, did I inherit that same tendency to collect everything and stuff it in closets, basements, and sheds?  I think I did.  The very thing that drives me crazy!  And to top it off there is a ton of stuff that Vito has and has collected.  With that said, this little house in which I reside has STUFF from three households in it and I am overwhelmed.  That's right, it seems to have all come crashing on my shoulders to handle.  I just want it all gone, yet have a problem parting with some of it.  This I wonder about too as we certainly don't take it with us when we die and leave our earthly realm.  I am sure if that were the case, Mama would have taken her stuff and I would be feeling grateful for that now.  Instead, it is up to me to deal with someone else's stuff as well as mine now.  No other animal on earth does this and it is insanity.

So I have come to the conclusion that I must thin out the clutter and get rid of the stuff.  Where did I hear that cluttered house makes for a cluttered mind.  Well let me just say that it is true!  And I also have to say that I would never want anyone going through my things and delving into my belongings, it gives too much personal information about the person and I don't want that.  Also I don't really have anyone to do that down the road probably unless it is strangers or friends.  Lord I would wish that on anyone.  It is necessary for me to do this now.  I must get rid of this stuff.

I suppose out of all this, this means that if you lighten your load literally, it will lighten your load mentally.  My brain feels bogged down and I need to lighten up a bit.

I was an ass!

This morning about 5:00 a.m., my telephone rang, so being my day off, I just ignored it, and of course Vito didn't move.  A few minutes later it rings again, then in another few minutes it rings again.  So I finally jump out of bed only making it to the phone by the time it stopped.  I did not recognize the number, but proceeded to call the number back.  In frustration and anger after being awaken that early on my only Saturday off in 3 weeks, I blurted out at the person, "What do you want?!"  He said, "What?"   I said, "You called me, what do you want?"  He said, "I assure you nobody here called you."  More aggravated than ever I hung up on the person.

After hanging up, I started to think that it sounded like my neighbor, who is a sweet person and I couldn't understand what happened.  I went back to bed and the phone proceeded to start ringing again.  1, 2, 3 times, so I got up, again ticked off and took the phone off the hook.  

Then my dog started to bark!!  God!!!!!!  I was fuming by now, so I made her stop and then I made my coffee.  As I am making the coffee she starts to bark again, and sure that she is going to wake the neighborhood, I really blew my top at her.  She accidently nicked my finger as she pretended to be aggressive, in reality scared, and boy that was the straw that broke the camels back.  So I yelled at her.

Poor dog, just wanted to bark.  And although I really wanted to sleep, in the grand scheme of it all, there was no reason to get so upset.  It was actually a beautiful morning and I was just over reacting.  How ridiculous!!

On the edge

I have been working on organizing all of my family photos, and as I have been going through them, it is a realization of how fast time is passing.

Only yesterday it seems that I was in high school, just waiting until I would become "the legal age" to do whatever in the world I wanted.  How stupid the youth is now looking through 53 year old eyes.  And I am sure that when I am 80, if I make it to that age, I will look back and think 53 was young.

As I see time seeming shorter by the day, more and more lines on my face, my body not looking or feeling like my body anymore, I am increasingly becoming dissatisfied with the mundane pattern of life and I want more.

When I say that I want more, it has nothing with wanting material things, only wanting more adventure, seeing things that I want to see, and living somewhere that I would really like to live and grow old.

I know there is more and I feel deserving.  I just have to figure out how, where, and what I want to do.

Life is really really short!!

Elizabeth Maria Monahan

I found out several days ago that my dearest and oldest friend, second mother, and confidant passed away at the age of 90.  Although I know that she was old, with many ailments, she was a gentle and courageous spirit with a marvelous lust for life and living, and a gracious person.  

I have not seen Betty in many years, yet every holiday I would receive a card from her with a note or letter inside.  As years passed, her daughter Barbara would write for her, as Betty lost her eyesight.  She never complained and loved the people around her more fully than anyone I have ever known.

When I was young, I would get on my bicycle every day and ride to her house, often spending the night.  I was troubled during some of those years, and I believe I may not be here today had it not been for Betty.  She understood me and my pain, she never minimized my feelings, only giving of herself which was shear pure love.  After spending time with her, I often was reduced to laughter after having been in tears to start with.  I know my mother never understood our relationship, and I believe actually was jealous.  She would never know me like Betty.

To many people, she was odd, maybe crazy.  Not to me, maybe eccentric, but wonderfully eccentric.  

I miss her.  Just knowing that she was alive and of sound mind always was a comfort to me.  I knew that there was someone that loved me with a pure heart.  

I feel lost without her in the world and in my opinion, the world has lost a priceless treasure.

Sleep with Angels Betty.  I hope there is an afterlife, as I will be looking for you.

Proud to be American

It has been a week since the 2008 election and Barack Obama won!

Amazing election and I am so very proud to be an American!!  It has been a while that I have been able to say that, and it is high time to finally elect someone that cares about the country and not just the money he puts in his pockets.  I really believe with my whole heart that Obama will be the Peoples President and that even if he is not able to fix this terrible mess Bush will be leaving this country in, at least I don't feel that he will do anything to hurt us.

Also it is high time to equal the playing field and it is over due for African Americans to finally be considered equal to white people (as they certainly are!).  I think that it will be refreshing to have a little color in the white house and the Obamas are certainly colorful, and not just for the color of their skin, they are vibrant and alive and a loving family! Hurray for the Obamas! Hurry for American!  We finally woke up and maybe we can gain respect from the world again.

Maybe we may even achieve peace!  Wouldn't that be something?!!!!

God bless you President Elect Obama!!  You will need all the help God can give you after the Bush administration.

Frances' Passing

Last night my Aunt passed away from pancreatic cancer.  She had fought a long battle with cancer and had been an inspiration over the past three to four years.

I am sad at heart today as I will never be able to give her a call when I want to hear a logical voice.  I will never be able to get silly with her and laugh until I pee my pants.  I will never argue with her, and boy could she argue.  Mostly I will never be able to see, hear of just know that she is there.

Of course I am happy that she no long suffers and is probably in a better place than me, but emotionally, I feel such an overwhelming loss.

Life will never be the same without my Aunt Shorty in it.

Vice-Presidential Debate 2008

Last night like a great deal of America, I watched the debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin.

Well, if America is dumb enough to vote for the ticket with the chance that she could end up as president, well I should just say, America would deserve what they would obviously get, a disaster!

Palin is so incredibly fakey and it is obvious she only rehearsed and memorized what she wanted to say, speaking 90 mph as to use up all of her time and not have to answer the questions asked, which she decided in ever such a rude manner not to do.

Good God, a Bible thumping ignorant red neck is what she is!  Wake up people!  Could you ever really believe this person will get the respect of the world and keep us safe?  Not to mention setting women back!

Frances for Obama

My Aunt is dying of the last stages pancreatic cancer and is a true inspiration.  Never have I seen anyone within my circle of family or friends that is so courageous and has faced such horrendous health issues and surgeries over the past 7 years.  She does not complain at length about her situation, nor does she try to gain sympathy from others, but actually abhors that sort of behavior.  Rather she continues to be that marvelous inspiration and takes every opportunity to see the beauty of life, she appreciates nature to the fullest and takes delight in a nice breeze or listening to the birds singing.  

Recently I flew home to see her which was quite painful as I expected to not see her again.  It was hard to leave knowing that I would not sit and gab with her ever again, or laugh with her, which she is the only person in my life that could catch undercurrent little remarks that others would miss as if we knew something no one else did, and laugh until we would almost pee in our pants.

Frances told me the only thing that she was upset about is that she loves her life so much, that she just doesn't feel ready to go yet.  She told me there were so many things she still wanted to do, such as her art.  Then she said she hoped she made it at least to be able to vote in the next election.  She so wanted to be able to cast her vote for Obama.  Today as I checked my Brother-in-laws blog, which he post pictures of my Aunt and updates on her health, he mentioned that she is registered to vote and even has an Obama bumper sticker on her wheelchair.  I pray she has that opportunity and with the grace of God, I hope she gets to see history made this year.

With this in mind I often wonder how so many people can look at themselves in the mirror and go about their day to day lives without getting involved in saving our nation and our world.  It is beyond me.  All I can say is I am glad that I have people in my family like Frances.  If only there were more people like her in the world.  

Another Day of Idiots in Politics

Desperation seems to be the way of the Republicans right now.

Seems to me they are more concerned with things going exactly as they want them rather than being concerned about our country and its people.  

The thing that really amazes me is how they get so upset when anyone states the truth, being that the country has practically been destroyed by the Bush administration.  Good Lord, the truth is the truth!  Take it on the chin and get on, try to do better, try to help correct this mess!!

But no, those Bible thumping, supposedly God fearing idiots who has no clue what is really taught in the Bible, intends to only do more damage, not wanting to mar their precious ego and of course their greedy pocket books.  God forbid they actually act HUMAN!

Come on Obama, stomp 'em!  We need a leader who cares.

Bailout over night

Interesting how things in Washington often happen in the middle of the night when everyone else is sleeping, like a thief in the night plotting how to steal from hard working Americans.

Of course the government I am sure had to do something to try to keep us from totally falling into a depression (which I am not sure we are already in anyway), but why is that Americans like myself have to keep bailing out Washington's blunders with our hard earned tax payers dollars, yet then we hear that the CEO's (although not getting all of their pension packages) still get to walk away scot free and with some sort of pension?  Furthermore, people who chose to live above their means and entered into contracts by taking out loans, knowing that the interest would rise on their loans, now are expecting citizens like me who lived within my means and never took anything from the government to pay so they can stay in their homes!!  This is ridiculous!!

I understand that we had to do something, but again the poor middle class has to pay!!!  Why not penalize these rich thieves that put us in the position now sitting out on their yachts?

American political leaders are still practicing slavery and the slaves are the hardworking middle class people of America.  

I am ashamed on this country and what we have become.  I am glad my father is not alive after he served for 14 years with pride for America.

Presidential Debate

After watching the first debate last night between Obama and McCain, I am even more convinced than ever as to how much I dislike McCain!  I thought Bush was bad and now I am in total fear that we may wind up with something even worse.  Is that possible!!

I sure hope that people wake up and realize that we need someone with a calm demeanor who actually has good judgement, can think things through before reacting and maybe, just maybe cares about the American people.

God help America if the Republicans win!!

Collapse of our government

I am fearful for America.  For months, actually for several years I have been expecting the government to collapse and now with the banking and mortgage crisis, I am truly afraid as to what is going to come next.

I am also saddened still at the prejudice in the country.  Despite all of the dire things that are happening, and the feelings of dissatisfaction with President Bush, I am astonished that anyone in their right mind would even consider voting for McCain and Palin!!!  My God, what are people thinking.  Or should I say "NOT THINKING!"   There is no sound reason for this and I must deduce that it is only the Obama is a black man.  Unbelievable.  

Wake up America before we will be saluting the flag of China!

Planet Earth and Politics

Today it was sweltering outside and I heard earlier that in Greece, fires have killed over 35 people due to the extreme heat with temps in excess of 100 degrees. Floods are happening in one place after another and the most recent hurricane, "Dean" is one of the largest on record.
All of this makes me think of a scripture that was drilled into me as a child from the book of Matthew in the Bible in regards to the last days, where disasters will happen in one place after another, and as the Bible says, then the end will come.

I have tried not to think of that scripture over the years, and quite honestly I tend to lean towards Buddhism, but I believe it doesn't matter as there are prophets and holy men (and women) throughout the world throughout history; but basically I try to live for today and enjoy what time I have on this planet as we are all here in only a blink of time anyway. But, my point is, I truly believe we are closer to the end of humankind as we know it, and it is no fault but humans.

I shutter at the damage that the present Administration has done to destroy not only our country as well as so many others, but has total disregard for the lives of all of civilization, and of course he cares less about all of the species that are becoming extinct.

But despite the way I feel about Mr. Bush and his administration, I blame the many stupid people who voted him into office, not just once but twice!!! I am proud to say, I did not!!
It will be interesting to see who the Americans put in next, and I also know that ultimately, it could mean the survival of our country or it's total downfall, as well as what will happen to the planet.

For God sake people, it is time to wake up, be responsible, don't run in fear to who you think will protect you and your possessions. Try opening your mind and think outside of the box and look to the greater good. Our forefathers fought and died for rights that in one generation, is willing to throw our constitution out the window. We as a nation are becoming horrible, no wonder people hate us around the world, when we care more about our designer clothing, expensive cars for each member of the family, and more concerned about Paris Hilton or Brittainy Spears than humans dying from starvation, or wars, or polar bears nearing extinction.

Wake up wake up!!!

On Dogs

I have always had a dog all of my life and quite honestly, I don't feel normal without one.

Last year I lost my little dog Tessy of almost 12 years to cancer. She was a great little dog and although I knew the day would come, it came much quicker than I expected and even more unexpected was what it did to me. I knew that I would be hurt over the loss as I have lost animals before, but this one really did me in. I chose to put her down due to the cancer was in in her liver and she was suffering and that I could not take knowing that I could do the "humane" thing. We humans don't have that choice and after watching my grandfather die of cancer and beg all who sat with him to please shoot him, I wonder if it wouldn't be better if we too had that choice.

But as for losing Tessy, I did what I felt was right for her, but my pain was so intense that I fell into deep depression for months. Even after I could stop crying, I felt empty inside and I knew that most people just did not understand. Often people feel you should just "snap out of it", it's only a dog they say. But the reality is for me and many others like me, she was like a child and definitely an integral part of my family and me!

People should understand that and try to use a little compassion. They often don't.

I now have another little dog, that is the same breed as Tessy. She is not like my other little dog but very different in personality and I doubt I will ever love another animal or really anyone as much as Tessy, but I love this little dog now as well and she certainly helped to help my pain. Oh of course I still miss my little one that I lost and always will, but it is amazing what a little love can do.

I have thought much about what it is that dogs give that so often cause humans to bond so strongly. Then I realized that the word Dog in reverse is God, and how accurate that is as so many of the attributes that dogs have are the very ones I think God should have. They love you unconditionally, no matter what you have done, what you love like, how you treat them, they remain loyal and only want love in return. They try to protect you and your home, they help to watch over you if you are sick, and they react to when you are happy or sad.

Isn't it ashamed that more humans don't try harder to learn from their canine friends. They are not prejudice against anyone because of race, religion, or age. They are smarter than humans give them credit for and we could learn a great deal from these wonderful creatures.

I thank God for my little friend everyday as she has made my life fuller with more joy.

Prejudice in America

My husband is an Italian American and he is the president of a cultural & language club called "Amici Della Lingua Italiana". Yesterday this club was made an Institute with "Burlington County College" at a convocation by the Italian & Italian American Heritage Commission.

At this event there was a great deal of talk as to the prejudice that the Italian Americans have felt over the years and how in the twenties and thirties when many of the immigrants came to this county, they were afraid to speak their language for fear of discrimination. And apparently today the youth are losing their culture and language. Also they are appalled at TV shows and movies that depict Italians as only mobsters, such as the Sopranos.

If this group of people and many other ethnic people feel this way, can you imagine how the African-American culture must feel and have felt for centuries as darker skinned peoples have been enslaved in one place or another since the early civilizations. I can't even imagine how I would feel!

My father came from Greece in the late 1920's and eventually settled in the south-eastern part of the US and I remember as a little girl people discriminating against him and his business. He had to prove himself to be an up-standing member of the community much more so than that of the average white man. I always thought how unfair and yet again, my father's skin although olive toned, was considered Caucasian and again could not possibly know really what it must feel like to be discriminated against like that of an African-American.

Now we are seeing discrimination against people of Arabic backgrounds and their religions, as well as many Hispanic cultures.

We are suppose to be more civilized and yet I wonder if that is true. Isn't it time that people realize that we are all here and we must all live on this planet together? One race is no better than another, and everyone should have the right to worship in the way they choose, or not worship at all? I love animals, but a black dog is no better than a white one, why should a white person be better than a black?

It's time for hate to stop and unity as humans to take it's place. It's time that people embrace other cultures and learn from them. Earth is beautiful as ALL of it's inhabitants!

Seeing More Clearly

I am now in my middle age or slightly older and yet sometimes I feel as though I have lived for eons and then other times I feel as though I were twenty only yesterday. But one thing I find for sure is, although my body is older and I don't have the physical stamina that I once had, I like myself better than ever before and I see the world much more clearly than ever before as well.

I don't have a great deal in as far as monetary wealth, yet I know deep inside of me that I am richer than most in other ways and grateful just to be here, for my life is a gift. A gift from whom, I do not know, yet I feel for certain that there is a greater intelligence out there whether it be known as God, or life force or many other names humans call this marvelous energy that help life to sprout and flourish out of a ball of gas no less.

Where this incredible planet of ours is headed, God only knows for sure, but it doesn't look good and it is horrifying at the rapid pace that humans seem to be destroying our very home! I know no other creature on earth that kills it own kind as humans and pollutes and destroys as we do. It is amazing that as we progress (or so they call it) with technology, education, and live the finer life, we are rapidly self-destructing and the vast majority doesn't take responsibility of their actions, nor truly tries to rectify what is happening to humankind.

I am glad that I was born when I was and not later. I fear for the children who come after me and glad I chose not to bring anyone into this world at this stage of human existence.

None the less, as terrible as we are, we humans have a spirit of hope that seems to surface when things are at their worst and often it is like the hand of God reaching down to pull us out of an abbyss when it seems like there is no hope. I believe that is often when we refer to such events as miracles.

Dispite it all, every day is filled with little miracles. And these too, I see more clearly than I did when I was young.

Yesterday it snowed and as I went out to walk my dog before bed lastnight, there was a calmness in the air and I could hear the still. How beautiful the sound of peace and quiet. In that instant I filled with tears of joy to have this and also felt such sadness for all the people living in war-torn parts of the world who never know peace. Then I noticed how the snow glistened from my porch light. It looked like a fantasy land where natures ice crystals sparkled like trillions of little diamonds as if to say, "Look at me before I melt, I am here to purify your space".

Now of course you must thing me a nut, but not so, only one who wishes the world to see the beauty in everything that we have. If only people would love instead of hate and know that in an instant all that we know could be gone forever.